Every year, the anticipation of my birthday brings forth excitement and grief. Grief over what I lost and who I was on past birthdays.
My journals remind me of painful memories surround May 15th—memories of being entrenched in mental illness, compulsive behaviors, people-pleasing, and other sins that weighed me down and drained me of life. It seems that my biggest struggles have manifested in some of the most intense ways around birthdays.
Darker Days
For instance, on the days leading up to my 17th birthday, I was not well. I had uncontrollable body tremors for about two days. Relief only came when I was asleep. It was terrifying. I laid on the couch looking at the streamers hanging from the wall, trying to decide if I was well enough to host a party. But all I could think about was how scared I felt for my life.
It would be dramatic of me to say that I was dying; but I sure felt like I was.
I also remember feeling ashamed as I laid there. I had not been diagnosed with an eating disorder yet, but I think deep down I knew this health scare was a result of my disordered behaviors and severe anxiety about my body. My body and mind were sick.
On my 19th birthday, instead of having a party with friends, apathy and anxiety convinced me I’d rather be alone. I thought I would go on a vacation with my parents instead and “leave my problems behind.” But what I remember is feeling stuck in my disordered eating rituals in the hotel room. I remember wondering, “When will I ever be able to stop this?” I felt hopeless. And the feeling of despair invited terrifying thoughts that were absolutely not from God. An intrusive thought popped into my head—so extreme I ran into my parents’ room sobbing, and we had to pray some serious prayers over my mind.
I share these stories to illustrate what my life used to be like behind closed doors. My mind would run wild through dark valleys. Fear and shame used to shackle me. A desire to be perfect lead me to all kinds of illness. I was at the lowest of lows on some birthdays, not feeling very alive but rather quite the opposite.
Coming Alive and Free
But this year as my birthday was approaching, I met those bitter memories with a smile, because I knew there was going to be a birthday where I was finally joyful, hopeful, filled with life, and free. And that birthday was 23.
I have been, and I still am, becoming more and more alive each day.
After years of health problems, I’ve recently felt vibrant and energized in ways I haven’t since I was a kid. So, in a sense, I feel more physically alive. But much more importantly, I’ve become more spiritually alive. The Bible says that in Christ our “inner self” becomes more alive; our “spirits are being renewed day by day” (2. Cor 4:16). And I feel this deeply.
What Changed?
I got to know Jesus Christ a lot better in college. Day by day, as I studied the Bible and spent time with the people of God, the more freedom I found from my fears and unhealthy desires. The more I learn about him, search for him, talk to him, and hear from him, the more freedom I find today.
With a King who helps fight my battles, the things I used to be afraid of no longer look so scary. And with a growing affection for the one who saved me from sin and death, the more naturally the things he says are important become important to me. The things he says are unimportant become less alluring.
From Death to Life
The sin I used to carry, the sin that walked hand-in-hand with me for many years and many birthdays, was making me more dead inside. Seeking approval, striving for a “perfect body” or the appearance of a perfect life, and being afraid of so many things—all of this stole my hope, peace, and joy.
But the more I have come to know Jesus Christ as my friend and Savior, the more joy, hope, and peace become regular parts of my life. They are so much easier to grasp. So even on the days when my body feels lousy—because I do still have health problems—I can say with confidence that I am more alive than ever! I sense the Spirit of God strongly in this body, and he helps direct my thoughts away from life-stealing lies and toward life-giving truth.
Last year was a decent birthday, but even since then I’ve been more interested in knowing Jesus and pursuing him and his Word. He says he is the life (Jhn. 14:6). Walking with him makes us more alive. And I just know that today, knowing him better than ever before, I am very alive on this birthday.
“Lord...You restored me to health and let me live. Surely it was for my benefit that I suffered such anguish. In your love you kept me from the pit of destruction; you have put all my sins behind your back. . .The living, the living—they praise you, as I am doing today." (Isaiah 38:16-17)
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