This post was originally published on my old blog on August 29, 2017
I’m going to share a story about the pivotal day when I fully submitted to recovering from my eating disorder.
For a few years, I was aware of my struggle with disordered eating and body dysmorphia, but I resisted giving in to the process of recovery for a long time. Eventually my health was so fragile that I became afraid for my life—so I began what I called “self-motivated recovery.”
For many months I tried to improve my health. I tried to eat more, set healthy boundaries with exercise, and focus on my spiritual growth. I was reading books about recovery and talking to the few people who knew I was struggling. However, since I had minimal accountability, my efforts would often fail. It was a roller coaster of small victories and major setbacks.
That summer, I couldn’t ignore the fact that my energy level was abnormally low; my mood was often unstable; and my mental space was filled with thoughts about food and my body.
Then, for several weeks, I had this nagging feeling that something had to change. I couldn’t continue living as I was, especially as a new college student. When I thought about college, I got so scared. How could I focus on lectures and take good notes if I was tired, foggy-headed, and anxious most of the time? How could I be a good student if 80% of my thoughts were focused on my body and food worries? How could I walk around from class to class if my muscles felt weak?
I finally admitted to myself that my suffering surpassed the “benefits” I felt I was getting from my disorder. I was exhausted, and my anxiety was intense.
However, I felt stuck. And I didn’t know how to move past the point I was at, because my efforts so far weren’t enough. My disordered thought patterns were so deeply embedded and creating a prison in my mind.
Full recovery seemed impossible. When I felt like giving up, though, God would remind me of verses like Philippians 4:13, which says,
“I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.”
Or Jeremiah 29:11
“‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’”
And especially Galatians 6:9
“So do not get tired of doing what is good. For at just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we do not give up.”
So, I did not lose full hope; But I knew I still needed something to change.
I silently wrestled with the idea of seeing a therapist for a while. There were so many reasons I didn't want to. One was embarrassment. I thought going to therapy would mean I was admitting that I was “troubled” and weak. I also doubted whether I was "skinny enough to be sick.”
Counseling would mean I would have to take time out of my schedule to sit in an office and have uncomfortable conversations. It would affect my family’s finances. It would mean surrendering control, giving up my behaviors, revealing my secrets, and probably gaining weight. There seemed to be way more cons than pros!
Yet, I still felt a nagging feeling that I needed to get help—and this feeling became so strong I couldn’t ignore it anymore.
So on that pivotal day, I made the best decision I’ve ever made. I ignored the screaming voices of my perfectionism, the stigmas of therapy, and everything in me that wanted me to remain silent and sick.
I sat on my bed full of fear, wrapped in a blanket and shaking with anxiety. In one hand was the doctor clinic’s mental health line number, and in the other hand my cell phone.
I was filled with regret that I had allowed myself to get the point that I was at. I felt like a failure and a fraud. I thought about all of those cons that I associated with therapy. But because I have hope in the promises and forgiveness of my Savior Jesus Christ, I called that phone number.
A man from the clinic gave me an “assessment” over the phone and directed me to a therapist, who I started seeing a few weeks later.
That day I overcame the overwhelming fear, anxiety, stigmas, pride, and vanity that were holding me back from living an abundant life, pursuing a better future, and trusting God. I walked into something that I knew would be painful, but I trusted that it would eventually pay off. And it has. My life fundamentally changed in positive ways.
I hope my story will encourage you to overcome the barriers preventing you from living a life of freedom and health too. There is something better waiting for you on the other side of your fear and anxiety.
“Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.” 2 Corinthians 3:17
“So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed every day. For this light momentary trouble is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison”. 2 Corinthians 4:16-17
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