Originally published on my old blog on February 24, 2018
For Eating Disorder (ED) Awareness Week, I would like to share a few of the main reasons I think recovering from and ED is worth the effort it takes. It requires laying down the pursuit of the ideal body and the feeling of constant control, but I believe the benefits outweighs the costs
If you don’t have an eating disorder, I hope this brings awareness to the experience of these mental disorders. If you do have an eating disorder—or even just disordered eating thoughts and habits that don’t meet the criteria for a diagnosis of an ED—I hope this post encourages you to walk towards freedom.
Constant Mental Battle
I used to wake up, lay in bed for a long time, and contemplate whether or not I was going to have breakfast that day. Questions would go through my mind, like: Was I “too bloated” that morning? “What did I eat yesterday, and am I allowed to eat breakfast now?” “If I do eat breakfast, what’s my calorie limit? These thoughts didn’t stop after breakfast, though.
Similar thoughts would cycle through my brain all day and before other meals and snacks. It was truly exhausting. I thought my strict rules and self-regulation would achieve ultimate satisfaction and peace because they would somehow get me the body I wanted. In reality, these thoughts and choices left little room for me to think about more important matters in my life. They also made food a scary thing that I felt the need to control and watch out for.
Today, I have made meals a non-negotiable issues for myself (a privilege I do acknowledge). This saves me from having to do the difficult math equation in my head that solves for X. (X = am I going to eat at this meal time?) There were so many variables in that equation. It was a time-consuming problem.
Now, the only question is: What am I going to eat? And I have rediscovered the enjoyment of getting to decide what sounds appealing and nourishing at the time.
Recovering from my disordered eating has helped me not to ruminate on food thoughts, so I have way more brain space for my other things! It really does feel so good to be free to just eat, move on, and focus on relationships, school, work, fun, hobbies, and my faith in God.
speak for everyone by saying that disordered eating creates anxiety.
2. Anxiety
I can’t speak for everyone, but I’ve found that my anxiety disorder was largely linked to my eating disorder. I can speak for everyone by saying that disordered eating create anxiety.
One reason for this is that we’re constantly worrying about food and the slightest changes to our bodies. We’re probably also fantasizing about workouts and/or obsessing over numbers like calories, steps, miles, grams, or macros. We become hyper-aware of these things and teach our nervous system to watch out for possible “threats” to our food and exercise plans. We’re always on high alert. When a threat does come, or something prevents us from following through with a plan we set, we get another layer of anxiety.
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Another reason EDs come with anxiety is that when our bodies are depleted of nourishment, they send us signals to tell us something is wrong. Those signals can feel a lot like anxiety. I often felt edgy—something felt wrong. It turns out my body was in survival mode, so it couldn’t relax in homeostasis.
Once we feed our body and brain, though, they begin to trust us, heal, improve the nervous system, and even lighten our moods! My panic attacks have almost entirely disappeared since being healthy and in a stable phase of recovery. Little moments of food and body-related anxiety have also stopped hindering me in large ways. It feels great to be able to finally relax and rest!
3. Guilt
I’m gonna enter some uncomfortable territory for a second.
I believe that most of us, whether we have a set of religious morals or not, feel slightly guilty about our disordered behaviors and thoughts. We have a sense that something we’re doing is just not right. Even if we have convinced ourselves that we need these behaviors—that they’re safe, that there’s nothing wrong, or that nobody will find out—no matter what we tell ourselves, I believe deep down we feel there’s something wrong about our mindset and rebellious behaviors. We tiptoe around our families and make up all kinds of excuses to our friends. We feel unsettled. We feel the barriers that our disordered eating sets up between us and other things.
I always felt so conflicted about my eating disorder. I wanted to engage in it; yet, it went against so much of what I believed in. It put barriers between me and other people, my health, life experiences, my spiritual life, my academic success, my energy, and so much more. Since letting go of so many of the behaviors and doing the hard work of therapy, I can tell you that it feels awesome to no longer carry the weight of guilt on my shoulders.
4. Digestive Problems
My disordered eating caused digestive issues like painful bloat and terrible constipation. Now I know that this was related to a couple of things, which I’ve discovered are very common for others too:
Stress and anxiety
High amounts of fiber from veggies and other “healthy foods”
Eating sugar-free products
Not eating enough fat
Eating too much protein
Eating meals that are too small
Eating infrequently
Drinking more water than I needed
Not resting enough
I won’t go in to the science behind why these things cause bloating and constipation, but it’s pretty easy to research.
When I was in the beginning steps of recovery and the “re-feeding process,” introducing more and different foods also wreaked havoc on my G.I. system. I wanted to give up. But the discomfort isn’t a reason not to pursue recovery! Our bodies just need time to adjust to the changes. My friend told me digestive problems were “one of the necessary evils of recovery.” She was right.
It’s difficult and requires patience—but trust the process! Our bodies were born with a complex digestive system that ultimately knows what to do with food. Recovering from disordered eating can very likely heal your gut if you endure the initial discomfort. And if you’re like me, this will result in less anxiety and bloat!
5. Losing Sight of Who You are What Matters Most
With an Eating Disorder, I think we lose sight of what matters most to us. We can become so focused on achieving the body-oriented goals that we actually forget about or sacrifice several of the other things we enjoy.
In my disorder I convinced myself that “I was a runner” and that I was “interested in nutrition.” I started to think that I wanted to orient my life around those things. In reality, those things aren’t my calling in life or what I actually enjoy most. At the time, running was something I felt obligated to do and was addicted to. And nutrition facts and science were fascinating to me because of my need to over-analyze and micro-mange food.
In my disorder, I also spent time pursuing food and exercise partially because they it felt like the only thing I was good at!
My eating disorder even convinced me that “I didn’t want to go to college,” that “I was not talented or passionate about anything,” that “People were annoying to spend time with,” and so many other things like this. The general theme here is that my eating disorder consumed my identity and time and distracted me from so much goodness.
Through recovery though, I’ve discovered so many things that I like more than food, exercise, and my body! I have goals that align with the deeper parts of who I've realized I am and with what I care about. I also try new things, enjoy people more, and take time to do things that are values to me.
6. Exercise & Movement
I think that when we’re in an eating disorder, it’s basically impossible to exercise with a 100% healthy mindset. I tried it for a long time, but I always felt wrong about it. I felt the rebellious side of me mistreating my body and ignoring my intuition and energy level. So, one of my favorite things about recovering is being able to finally move my body in a respectful and fun way! I've set up boundaries and habits that keep me in check during my exercise time, and I speak more gently to myself. I also have the freedom to choose to rest instead of to obey the "no excuses" mentality that doesn't allow for skipping workouts.
I honor my intuition about what my body needs, and it’s way more fun to move my body now that my conscious is clear and I respect myself! Exercise serves me. I don’t serve exercise.
7. Social Life
Before recovery, my social life was different.
I declined many invitations to social gatherings because I was either feeling too insecure about my body that day, or I was afraid to face the food fear.
I also had a hard time being authentic with people. I tried to portray an image of perfection so people wouldn’t suspect my inner battle. I was afraid people would ask about it, and I was too ashamed to admit to my battle with food and body.
I also wasn’t always present with people. I would zone out when I was with people and start ruminating on worries about food and my body.
Research shows that eating disorders lower self-esteem, too. So I generally had little confidence around people.
Recovery has benefitted my social life so much. Now I’m working on embracing my identity apart from my body. I’m working on recognizing the good parts of my personality and the potential that I have to positively impact others when I walk into a room. I show up more.
Focussing less on my ever-changing body and on food has boosted my self-esteem and made it a lot more enjoyable to be around people. I don’t worry so much about how people are perceiving me. I don’t drift off into food thoughts like I used to. Relating to people is such a wonderful thing, and it enables me to have more genuine fun and laughter! My friendships and family relationships feel healthier.
Maybe I occasionally miss fitting into a smaller jean size. But I never miss the lifestyle. There are several more reasons why recovery is worth it, but these are the ones that came to mind today. My prayer for you is that you’ll find freedom from the bonds of disordered eating. Freedom is possible for you. Life after an eating disorder looks and feels beautiful.
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