Originally published on my old blog on May 7, 2016
“But the Lord said to Samuel, ‘Do not look at his appearance or at his physical stature. . .For the Lord does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.’” – 1 Samuel 16:7
When my body was the smallest in my eating disorder, my self-image and self-esteem were actually the lowest. I never felt good enough.
During that time, people commented on my body more than ever. Even though I wanted to be skinny, people's affirmation that I was small didn't make me feel good. It was quite the opposite. The comments made me feel horrible—perhaps because many of them were made in a negative, concerned, awkward, or nosy way.
The comments ranged from a simple, “Wow, you’re really small,” to a flat-out, “You’ve gotten so skinny! Do you have an eating disorder?!” (a totally inappropriate thing to ask while at a party, in a room full of people).
I would run into people in public, and sometimes the first thing they would mention was my body. The excitement I felt to see someone was quickly replaced by shame, embarrassment, and awkwardness.
I understand now, and I understood then, that some people were genuinely concerned for me but didn't know how their comments made me feel. I did not feel cared about when they expressed their concern emotionally, loudly, publically, or jokingly. Being told in front of others that I “disappeared when I turned sideways" or that I was “withering away” was terribly awkward.
During that time, I really wished people would come to me privately with their concerns if they truly cared for my health. They didn’t know that I was fighting a miserable mental battle and that my self-esteem was so low.
The comments people made still echo through my mind sometimes. I can remember exactly who said what and how I felt. Words are powerful.
So all of this has made me wonder what is truly appropriate for us to say to one another. Is it okay for us to comment on someone else’s body at all? When it comes to weight loss, we may not know how someone became skinny. Was it by healthy means, or was it through illness or disordered behaviors? We don’t know their history with food and weight. We don't know their mental state.
The same point applies to complimenting the weight loss of someone in a larger body. Sure, if someone is losing weight because they've been pursuing healthier behaviors, a nice comment might be really encouraging. But here's why it’s still very risky: By telling them, “You look really great,” you’re implying that 1.) Their external appearance matters 2.) There is a measure of “good and bad” bodies 3.) If they gain the weight back, they won't be praised.
Plus, what if your words mean so much to them that they start to crave validation from people more and more? And what if they take it too far? And what if they gain the weight back later on? They're probably going to feel unattractive and/or like a failure. Do you want to contribute to someone feeling this way?
I think we can love others better by at least being cautious about how we compliment people's bodies and knowing the risks. If you’re not sure what to say to someone but you like complimenting people, maybe mention their necklace, their shoes, or their hairstyle first. There's less at stake here, because culture doesn't pressure us to dress perfectly like it pressures us to have a perfect body.
Most importantly, how about we build up eachothers' character? It’s cliche, but, “what’s on the inside is more important than the outside.” What truly matters (and what I would argue makes a person really attractive) is someome's character, heart, passion, attitude, and how they treat people. Tell others when you see them do something impressive or impactful. Tell them why you appreciate them. Build them up for being kind, loving, funny, brave, etc…
I don’t think this is a totally black-and-white issue. But I just don’t want anyone to feel the things I felt: embarrassed, ashamed, and put on the spot. Nor do I think we should encourage others to be overly concerned with their outward image or body size. Let’s be careful.
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